Ok, so I guess I’m back to being productive with my writing or I should say my blogging.
Warning, this blog post may contain a dose of Emo, Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
It dawned on me today, that over the past few weeks, I’ve spent quite a lot of time and energy thinking alone about the “Ending it Or Cooling Off” process, but very little did I think about what would be after the fact. Mostly because I don’t sense like I’m there so I just haven’t applied anything else to my schedule. As I think about it more, though, the more I sense that maybe, possibly there really isn’t a “there.” And if I wait for this indefinable “there,” then I’m most likely to be finding myself rolling off my bed to reach for my dentures after a sexual moment and not just my underwear.
Not to say that I’ve been locked up in my bedroom eating cupcakes and munching on chips this whole time, sobbing into my pillows, underneath my blanket while listening to Ed Sheeran on my iPod on repeat or that special playlist I have with this person’s original’s written once upon a time for me. Hopefully I won’t be like this all the time. I’m strong, right? I’ve been shot plenty of times, even more than 50 Cent and I’m still here despite all my life’s bullshit. I try to keep busy by concentrating on my goals, my career, and try to maintain a healthy fit lifestyle by kicking my ass in the gym. There ain’t no way I would ever let myself go (physically) I’m 30 years old… Gotta keep looking like I’m 25 during cougar status.
But being vulnerable again, right after you got your heart ripped in half then grounded intensely into the concrete pavement awaiting its morphed state of fine dust, well for sure I am still off the market, too old to play. This aint College years, I’ve grown. 5 years ago or something, I still remember the tears and the pain of laying in bed not wanting to move, intoxicated and I promised myself I’d never let myself feel that way again. Shit, I lied…. I’m here again. Yes, I am hurt. Yes, It was my decision to leave. It wasn’t something I wanted to do but it was something that might have to be done. But let’s not make this one-sided… I prolly did something I regret and hurt the other person to. I don’t know. But I promise, this choice of mine was not easy. Not one bit.
And then I remember the utmost vulnerable characteristic that I posses; the fact that I’m a human being and at the end of the day, we just want to love and be loved, understood and accepted, appreciated, worthy and genuinely smiling for all the right reasons.
I have a very small (literally) group of friends that are very close to me and whom I appreciated stuck by me no matter what. They are never biased, which I love because I hate when people make you choose. Neutral. Supportive in everything, and always there for me to just talk and talk and talk while they sit and listen and tell me to my face whether I’m right or wrong. I love them. They all know who they are. I have a job which I love and couldn’t be more grateful for the opportunities. I have goals to try my best to always be better than I was in all my Yesterdays. Ill be ok, right?
So, Cynthia what’s next on your agenda? I guess when after all the debris settles from the love-induced leap, all that’s left to do is walk right up to the next cliff and toe the edge. To open your arms wide, hope for the best, and let yourself fall all over again.
PS: “And you will never know. Just how beautiful you are to me. But maybe I’m just in love. When you wake me up. ‘Cause maybe I’m just in love when you wake me up or maybe I’m just in love when you wake me up. Maybe I fell in love when you woke me up” – Ed Sheeran.
Im out of words, till next time.